In Gainesville, Florida residents are very disappointed tonight. Disappointed because their dear Reverend Terry Jones has apparently backed down on his plans to host “International Burn a Koran Day”. Now, before you get all concerned, it isn’t “Burn a Korean Day”, because that would just be wrong. The Koran, or Qu’ran if you’ve got a fetish for the letter q and an apostrophe, is the holy book of Muslims. Why should we burn this book on September 11th? Well, 9 years ago there were 19 muslims who managed to take over 3 airplanes, crash them into buildings, and kill thousands of people. It was truly a tragedy of epic proportions, and as millions of bumper stickers will attest we should “Never Forget” about it.
As any reasonable person would agree, we should hold every member of a religion responsible for the atrocities perpetrated by a small number of their members. And the best way to hold them responsible? To call them out? To show them the worthlessness of the beliefs they hold dear? Why, to burn their holy books of course! This is why T.J. had the presence of mind to make September 11th the day of days to go out and buy a couple hundred Qu’rans and burn those mothers down. But why stop there? Haven’t other religions had members who have done very bad things? Shouldn’t we dedicate a day for them so we can buy and burn their holy books? You bet your sorry ass we should!
Without further adieu I give you the official dates for the
International Festival of Holy Book Burning!
January 24th: Burn your Book of Mormon, the holy book of.. you guessed it… Mormonism. Why? Because this is the day that Ted Bundy got the electric chair for murdering however many dozens of people, the true number we’ll never know.
May 19th: Burn your copy of the Theravada, the holy book of Buddhism. Why? Because this is the day that George Lucas tainted the childlike hearts of millions with Jar Jar Binks.
May 23rd: Burn your copy of Dianetics, the holy book of Scientology. Why? Because this is the day that Tom Cruise tried to kill Oprah.
October 23rd: Burn your copy of the Torah, the holy book of Judaism. Why? Because this is the day that Alan Greenspan admitted his back-asswards understanding of the economy helped bring about the global recession and personally lost me over 50k on my house in Chicago.
November 24th: Burn your Avesta Collection, the holy texts of Zoroastrianism. Why? Because this is the day Freddy Mercury died, and since then people think all Zoroastrianists are queers with AIDS.
December 31st: Burn your copy of the New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures, the holy book of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Why? Because this is Prince’s most lucrative day for royalties and I’ll never forgive him for changing his name to an unpronounceable symbol.
Well, that’s about it, hopefully you can get your hands on all these books before the stores run out. If you are in a pinch though you can just put digital copies on your iPad or Kindle and burn those (or mail your iPad or Kindle to me, I promise to burn them up real good).
Oh, wait, I almost forgot to be an equal-opportunity hate speacher!
September 9th: Burn your copy of the bible, the holy book of Christianity – bonus points if it is a bible stolen from Terry Jones’ Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida. Why? Because that bigoted bastard announced he was going to suspend, but not cancel his international hate-fest.